I wish I was bigger, I've been the same size since 8th grade(6yrs), weight fluctuation, constant headaches worrying about when my metabolism will finally have enough and decrease exponentially, oh gawd I'll be fat! Anything but fat, so I developed bad habits, drinking but I never vomit so that only fucked up my insides and made me you know fat (gags). So I tried stimulants drug of choice Adderol. Adderol was cool, fucked up all day long without a care in the world, well that's what I told my friends, I just hated the body I was given so pass the pills. My appetite would decrease because I knew if I ate something I would be purging, I was a walking zombie. Decked out in all black because it was the color of my soul, yeah that was my line to get close to the emotionally disturbed knowing they were always fully loaded. Preying on others emotions just to feed my hunger to be perfect, it's whatever I don't give a fuck pass the pills. Black in fact did cover me, I blended in until people saw me, pure ugliness could not be covered. I guess you can say that was the beginning of my path to destruction, ugliness grew bigger and bigger, judgement day was everyday.
I liked the attention from the chicks who envied the body that I had, always coming up to me trying to chill to get the secrets to be perfect. I didn't know shit from nothing either so I was no help, but it was good while it lasted. I just wish I was bigger, the magazines don't help with their firm slender bodies and ripped hardcore abs. That's what the ladies are into, if you are 5'0 and just fit like me, covered in ugliness that's far from good enough. You have to look apart of the protector and provider, an oompaloompa can't help during rough times she assumes. Indulging in nice threads to cover up worked in high school but in the real world it doesn't fly that easily.
I'm tired of being the doormat because I am not big enough. I've tried so hard to kick my bad habits, but developed an eating disorder, binge eater because my jeans no longer fit around my waist without a belt. I've tried muscle enhancers, but they make you moody and increase your heart rate, who cares as long as I am big enough. I can digress in my sleep yeah when I'm peeled over in the gym dehydrated maybe the next time I won't be so lucky, but I'll take that chance for the right combination of muscle definition.
I can take the jokes and being thrown around they are motivators to my anger and hatred just to take out at on the bag. But if you hit the bag and the bag hits back that's where the true anger lies. Why can't I be bigger? Frustration has damn near killed my soul once, I am feeling as if I will reach my breaking point again. I tried to increase my protein intake and then hit the gym, I still couldn't lift the bar, so I punched the wall as hard as I could scaring the shit out of muscle heads. It's really not fair why can't I be big like you? What have I truly done wrong to not have the body I deserve and will cherish as my personal temple.
If there was some sinister deal I can come up with between me and the devil, I would in a heartbeat. I can't feed my envy and greed for perfection alone, why not give up something I could careless about, I just want that body so I can be happy. I wouldn't desire happiness from others but know what true happiness is like from within. I wish I was Shrek, I could careless that he was an ogre and smelled horribly bad, he was big and got the woman of his dreams. But fairy tales aren't real and I'm foolish enough to believe them, but it would be so cool to be Shrek. He stood firm without a care in the world, intimidated everyone, he just focused on being the protector and provider for his family. What a lucky bastard he was, what do I have to do to trade lives with him.
There is this story of a lady who tried to find the love within but desired the love of others so she could be at peace and happy. She would write letters to herself pretending as if she had the love of others. Her neighbors never questioned her activities until she drove herself crazy in order to fill a void in her heart, she died alone. I desire to be comfortable in my own skin, but in the back of my head, I still wish I was bigger. I think I will too drive myself crazy trying to be bigger but I wish I was, I have the drive and ambition but no results. My biggest fear is to die alone but bigger is better so why not have not have better.
I sincerely wish I was bigger : )
Matt
One Love
No comments:
Post a Comment